I had a dream last night that I was fighting with the passenger in my car and made an illegal left turn at a T intersection and took out a car and some pedestrians.

It was a bad dream, and I've felt guilty all day.

I can't turn on the news any more. I can't hear about children dying in the rubble. I can't hear about the impending death of our planet. I can't hear about the latest health crisis. I can't. I am too weak to change anything for the better.

heels: of my feet, on my feet, and me.

Heels.
Fucking heels.
I am hereby putting my foot down. All of it. At the same time.
No more heels.

My dear friend H is going to be blissfully wed in 2 and a half weeks, and Saturday was her stagette. The last staggette I went on I ended up laughing in the face of some guy who tried to convince me that he was a running back for the Als. Then I got picked up by a cabbie. (Rephrase: a cabbie tried to pick me up.)

Would that this had been so tame.
In summary, there was a mop. There was a ruler. There were massages and imitations of bracing-for-impact poo position. There were matching waiters. There were marbles. There was $130 that materialized from said marbles. There were strippers. There was a bottle of expensive port consumed straight from the bottle in a park full of junkies. There were hookers. So. Many. Hookers. (Not an invited part of the party or anything... just who you have to weave through when you're walking home from the strip club at 4am.)
And there were the heels.
Now I am a strict hoodie/jeans type of girl. But I decided that, because I love H so much and she is a pointy shoes/cropped pants/fitted jacket/makeup type of girl, I would, get this, dress up. Skirt and heels. Well, I lasted the walk over to where we were meeting before dinner before my feet were bleeding. Literally bleeding. This did not bode well for the evening, so I borrowed some flip flops, and managed to survive (the alcohol dulled the pain so I didn't realize that the flip flops were causing their own bleedy spots). On waking up on Sunday, I had throbbing pain. It was in my head and was due to the hangover, but my feet hurt too. So this makes me throughly anti-heel. Fuck it, I am not going to have broken feet when I am 80 so that I can wear so-called "cute" shoes now.
Fast forward to Tuesday. It's about 90 and humid, and I don't have summer work clothes. I'm fed up with sweating through lunch every day. And although I don't think it's overly appropriate, screw it. I'm wearing sandals to work. So I went to buy some new ones. The salesman was perhaps the most aggressive and, well, stupid salesman I've ever dealt with. I'm going to paraphrase the conversation.
M: Hi, I'd like to try these in an 8 1/2. (holds up brown flat sandals)
Pushy Salesman: How about a 9?
M: No, I'm pretty sure I'm an 8, 8 1/2 at the most.
PS: How about black?
M: No, I'm pretty set on brown.
PS: Why?
M: Because I like brown.
PS: What's wrong with black?
M: Well, most of my clothes are brown.
PS: You can wear black shoes with brown pants.
M: I'd rather not.
PS: Why?
M: My mom told me you shouldn't.
PS: Well, I wear black shoes with brown pants all the time and people tell me I look great.
M: I'm really set on brown.
PS: (huffy) fine.
*Brings out shoes in a black 8 and a brown 9. The black 8 fits, the brown 9 doesn't.*
M: Well, do you have any other BROWN shoes you could reccomend?
PS: How about these? (holds up brown heel sandal thingies)
M: No, I don't really want a heel.
PS: Why not?
(oh hell, do I have to go through this again?)
M: I just don't want a heel.
PS: But these are comfortable! I tried them on. They don't hurt at all.
(M gives PS a kind of "seriously, dude?" look)
PS: I try on all the heels. It's so I can tell women if they hurt or not.
M: OK, well, nonetheless, I don't want heels.
(M eventually finds a pair of flat brown shoes on sale. Without help.)
M: I think I'll take these. They're 25% off the lowest price, right?
PS: I guess. Do you want the discount?
M: No, I think I'd rather pay full price (thinking this is an obviously sarcastic remark).
PS: (rings up the shoes at full price)
M: Are you serious?
PS: You said you didn't want the discount.
M: I. Want. The. Discount.

This, right here, is why I don't go shopping. The guys at the bike shop aren't like this.

flashback to grade six

I'm sitting in the airport, the cell I borrowed ringing off the hook. I'm going to be FOUR HOURS late to a meeting because I thought I lost my passport this morning and missed my flight.
Chalk this up to another doopid thing I've done this week.

global citizen

I'm finding living in this day and age to be frustrating. So much goes into every single decision I make; trying to not make things worse is draining.

Coffee? Gotta be fair trade.
Fruit? Should be locally grown and organic... which do you sacrifice if you can't have both? Eat something that's full of chemicals, but that didn't burn more than 50x its weight in gas to get here?
Cleaning supplies? Should be earth-friendly, but they're more expensive and don't work as well.
Toronto for the weekend? I want to take the train to save the fuel, but it's cheaper and faster and more convenient to drive.
Late for work in the morning? Should ride my bike, but my car will get me there on time.
Saving my money? Threw it all into nameless mutual funds, then realized I don't know what companies I'm supporting. Need to find a financial advisor who understands my hangups.
Grocery shopping? Fresh spinach is packaged in heavy plastic, as is everything else you want to buy; from herbs to potato chips.
Colourful inexpensive sweater? Made in China by 4 year olds.

My job isn't making the world a better place, and at every turn something I'm doing is hurting someone else. I just want to exist, and leave no impact.

Any suggestions?

A list

Top ten things that have happened since I posted last.

10) Purchased my ticket to BC for friends' wedding in 4 weeks.
9) Finally took a day off work. Was reprimanded for not emailing in an update at 7:45am. Calmly explained that I was on top of Mt Washington and, gosh, the wireless was down that day.
8) Hiked Mt Washington. Got into a very potentially bad situation on the hike down (Huntington Ravine)
7) Learned that ego/testosterone driven boys should not be allowed to pick the trail alone. And that when the topo lines on the map all mush into one red blur, it's probably freakin' steep.
6) Learned that one should ALWAYS have a rope that can static weight 200lbs on it when hiking. ALWAYS.
5) Made two new and awesome work friends. Happy to have like-minded individuals to lunch with in the sea of plaid and sized-up iron rings on fat fingers.
4) Went to Boston for the weekend for 4th of July. Discovered the BEST BAR EVER, got riproaring drunk, and ended up listening to how some guy named Barry saved the Canadian Navy from certain death.
3) Completely lost my cool in a meeting on Wednesday and spent Thursday and Friday expecting to be fired. Got a raise instead.
2) Spoke some French, osti.
1) Decided to buy the Nikon D50. Today. Because I can't handle not owning it anymore.

I need internet. But it's going to be a few more months now because I'm going to be paying for that silly camera. But, oh, is it going to be worth it.

bulletin!

Before you ask, for those of you who read post secret and know me....

No, it wasn't my postcard.

Yes, this was worth booting up my computer at 1:30am to write.