M is...

I've noticed, since I joined facebook, that I've started to think of myself in the third person. I also seem to constantly be telling myself what I'm doing.
I remember reading a blog post about a girl who had started thinking to herself in "lolspeak" during the lolcats craze. "I'm in ur bafroom, uzin ur floz." "I'm in ur kichen, nawt replacin de milks." I think I'm doing the same thing with my facebook status.
In the morning;
"M is... really not feeling like going to work today."
"M is... considering calling in dead."
"M is... getting in her car."

It continues all day.

"M is... thinking a coffee break would be nice."
"M is... wishing she were outside!"
"M is... considering stabbing herself in the eye with a fork."

Any song lyrics I hear seem to be the perfect fodder for facebook status updates.
"M is... stopping the hearse on George Street, outside some damn saloon."
"M is... even better than the real thing."
"M is... wondering how many thousands of dollars of titanium she could steal from this place before they caught her." Wait. Disregard that. Definitely not a song lyric.
"M is... back in black."

After work.
"M is... f*cking tired."
"M is... going running."
"M is... giving up on the run and wandering around aimlessly."
"M is... scooping tomatoes into her dinner."

But, I do make it a firm rule not to update my status too often. One of my friends is perpetually updating his status, as often as every five minutes. My news feed tells me everything he does, from arriving at brunch, to the topic of conversation over brunch, to paying for brunch, to leaving brunch, to the gas he passed after brunch.
I don't want to tell you people that much about me. I have to maintain the mystery.

(Yes, it's been a while. I'm trying to get back on the horse.)

They don't make 'em like they used to

I am currently 280 some odd pages into East of Eden. What a fabulous book.

Steinbeck spins the plot lazily and carefully, developing the characters individually and in the context of each other. It's refreshing to read a book that I feel like if I put it down now, I would still walk away with something... depth and emotion of the characters, understanding of a time... of course, I can't put it down. It is a book written from another time, just on the brink of the modern era, where time didn't matter so much. Nobody watches the clock in East of Eden, and life just flows lazily past.


And, I'm totally hopped up on cold meds, which makes me kinda loopy.

And on the umpteenth day, God created Xenith.

I took a break from blogging because I thought I was losing something. My early posts were funny. Well, maybe not to others, but I sure cracked myself up. And that's all I really care about.
But somewhere along the way, I kind of lost track of things, and myself in the process. It's got nothing to do with the interweb, but in the last two and a half years, my life has slowly gotten away from me. So it's time to tear some things down and build some things up and try to get back to somewhere that I can once again wax philosophic on the advantages and disadvantages of growing a third arm.

That being said, you may from now on refer to me as Xenith. That's my American Gladiator name. Not Xena, warrior princess, but Xenith... which is like Zenith but cooler because it has an X instead of a Z.
When I was a kid in the mid-ninties, I used to watch the American Gladiators. I freakin' LOVED it. I wanted nothing more than to run through the Gauntlet in a pink spandex suit while pursued by fifteen steroid-pumped women with pecs bigger than my calves. That was my dream... to fight with giant Q-tips, to dodge tennis balls fired at me from afar, to roll around in a giant hamster ball. Joy is a giant hamster ball.
But alas, the hour-long television drama rolled around, and gone were the days of the Gladiator. And I graduated from high school and university, got a few jobs, and suddenly I'm 26 and don't know why I'm doing it any more.

Finally, I have a reason to live! American Gladiators is back on! The likes of Malibu have been replaced by Wolf and Helga, but I have to hand it to the producers for keeping to the original feel of the show.... just plain, old-fashioned trash talking and running into each other. Oh, and this time.... they added fire.

I am.

still.

conversational landmines

Wow, seriously, that post from two years ago is heating up now! Anonymous vs. Anonymous... the battle of nameless, faceless posters!

I was thinking the other day about how there are certain things that I will just never ask someone. There are certain loaded questions that I think it's nobody's business to ask, due to the potential landmine the answer may be. The thing that surprises me is the nonchalance and flip manner that people ask each other these things.
Par example;

"Why haven't you guys had kids yet?"
This is a bombshell. I have, in the last three years, have had three friends miscarry (that I know about). It is an extremely difficult and emotionally wrenching experience to go through, and one that most people prefer to go through with only their closest family and friends. You can never know if a couple is unable to conceive, has discovered a health problem in their genetic line, or just had an unfortunate miscarriage. It is also none of anyone's business but theirs.

"When are you two going to finally get married?"
Same goes here. People these days may not be marriage people, or one person may be pushing the other person to pop the question... this is so potentially loaded, I can't believe how flip people are with asking it.

"Why don't you drink?"
Man, let me tell you. Of my friends who don't drink, here are the reasons.
- I lost a family member to alcoholism.
- I have a lot of alcoholics in my family, and I don't want to be like them.
- I am an alcoholic.
Do people think this is something someone they don't know well enough to know these things about wants to share with them?

Anyway, all this to say, think twice before asking people about these potential landmines... does anyone know any other bombshells people rattle off like it's conversation about the weather?

To the Bride and Groom

First things first... I got my first random hate comment! It's on my old blog, from a post dated 2005, but it's there nonetheless... and on my birthday, too! Check it out.

Back to our regularly scheduled "winge-ing," whatever that is. I wouldn't want to disappoint!

My friend N married R this weekend. I was maid of honour and had to give a little speech. I scratched my head for days trying to figure out what to talk about. Then, I had an idea! N is a Montrealer, born and bred, and R is American. Easy-peasey! Here's what I said.

N and R, I am so honoured to be here on your wedding day. I wish you both a long, happy life together.
As most of you know, we are not only joining two families today, but two countries. As someone who has spent the formative years of her life in both the US and Canada, I feel it is only fair to offer you both some pearls of wisdom and words of warning.
R, you must learn how to cope when the snot in your nose and the tears in your eyes freeze. You must also learn how to answer seemingly endles questions about living in igloos and being the 51st state.
N, you should learn to recite the pledge of allegiance.
R, you should learn to sing "Hockey Night in Canada."
N, you must learn that if you follow a searing insult with the phrase "bless your heart," it's no harm, no foul. Example: "well, you're just as dumb as a brick, bless your heart."
R, you should learn that if someone calls you a "tete carre," it does not mean a "nice young man."
N, you will have to get used to being asked for ID, because you'll be carded til you're 65.
R, you should be ready for when the waiter offers your child the wine list in his high chair.
N, you need to watch all the Saved By the Bell reruns, including the "I'm so excited" episode.
R, you should rent all the seasons of DeGrassi Junior High on DVD, to gain an appreciation for such iconic groups as Zit Remedy.
N, you should learn that the beer here in the States is like being in a canoe; it's near water. (note: the original joke is "how is American beer like having sex in a canoe? It's fucking near water!" but I figured that wouldn't fly with the grandparentals.)
R, you need to consider that if the speed limit is 100, it's 100 kilometers per hour, not 100 miles per hour.
N, you should be prepared for your town to shut down for any of the following reasons: a high school football game, a college football game, a strawberry festival, or a 4H club show.
N, you should learn that Smarties are not chocolate candies akin to M&Ms, but small round sugar candies given out on Halloween.
R, the capital is Ottawa, not Toronto.
N, remember that once you cross the Mason-Dixon line, all bets are off, because you're in the South (sorry, Suley!).
R, you should be prepared... when the US Economy sneezes, the Canadian economy catches ebola.
N, you might want to consider carrying a gun.
R, you should get used to your army consisting of two Tonka trucks and a BB gun.

The Rabbi warned us yesterday that on their wedding day, the bride and groom are royalty, and can do no wrong. Well, R, that's all fine and good, but for you, it expires at midnight. For N, it's good FOREVER.

All the best to you both.

I think it went pretty well.

our bad

I am moving to a new position at work at the beginning of July, so I am enjoying a nice period of lame-ducking. Quack, quack, swim in circle, quack. It's working out for me. And I've been having what I haven't had for a long time... fun at work. This is directly linked to not doing my job, but that's neither here nor there.

Today, I feel like I outdid myself. My friend R is a upstanding young Englishman. I always get quite a kick out of finding out how the American revolution was taught in British schools. As American schoolchildren, we are taught that the poor, oppressed Puritans hopped the puddle so they could have religious freedom. They hung out with some native people, planted some corn, ate some turkey, and all was good. Then, the big bad British Empire came and tried to tax the poor, nice Puritans. Bad British Empire! All they wanted was to worship freely! They weren't an extremist cult, or anything like that! Anyway, a while later, we threw some tea in the Boston Harbor as an act of patriotic defiance, Paul Revere went for a trot at midnight, some guys wrote a Constitution, McDonalds started making Freedom Fries, SUVs were born, and the rest is history.

Rich's version of the American Revolution? "Yeah, you guys got whiny about taxes or something, and then threw our tea in the water, so we decided... meh. And went home."

I decided that there have been far too many years of misunderstanding and poor communication, so I decided to right it. I wrote R a letter.

Dear Mr. R,
We, the People of the United States of America do sincerely apologize for throwing your tea in the Boston Harbor (H-A-R-B-O-R, not H-A-R-B-O-U-R). We realize it was not very nice, but in our defence, you were really pissing us off. All we wanted to do was create a society where rich, white, xenophobic zealots could have democracy and religious freedom. And by "Democracy" we mean "if it's convenient for rich, white, xenophobic zealots," and by "religious freedom," we mean "as long as it's Protestant." We did think that by saying "all men are created equal," we were clear that we meant "all rich, white men are created equal, and everyone else can go to hell," but I guess we will just chalk that up to growing pains. Anyway, we know you were really counting on using us as a mill for materials, but it really was not convenient to us. But about the tea, we really do feel sorry about that. So please accept this Earl Grey teabag as an apology. We hope you enjoy the F-L-A-V-O-R.

Our bad.
The Citizens of the United States of America.

Maybe I'm an asshat. But I sure made myself giggle.