To the Bride and Groom

First things first... I got my first random hate comment! It's on my old blog, from a post dated 2005, but it's there nonetheless... and on my birthday, too! Check it out.

Back to our regularly scheduled "winge-ing," whatever that is. I wouldn't want to disappoint!

My friend N married R this weekend. I was maid of honour and had to give a little speech. I scratched my head for days trying to figure out what to talk about. Then, I had an idea! N is a Montrealer, born and bred, and R is American. Easy-peasey! Here's what I said.

N and R, I am so honoured to be here on your wedding day. I wish you both a long, happy life together.
As most of you know, we are not only joining two families today, but two countries. As someone who has spent the formative years of her life in both the US and Canada, I feel it is only fair to offer you both some pearls of wisdom and words of warning.
R, you must learn how to cope when the snot in your nose and the tears in your eyes freeze. You must also learn how to answer seemingly endles questions about living in igloos and being the 51st state.
N, you should learn to recite the pledge of allegiance.
R, you should learn to sing "Hockey Night in Canada."
N, you must learn that if you follow a searing insult with the phrase "bless your heart," it's no harm, no foul. Example: "well, you're just as dumb as a brick, bless your heart."
R, you should learn that if someone calls you a "tete carre," it does not mean a "nice young man."
N, you will have to get used to being asked for ID, because you'll be carded til you're 65.
R, you should be ready for when the waiter offers your child the wine list in his high chair.
N, you need to watch all the Saved By the Bell reruns, including the "I'm so excited" episode.
R, you should rent all the seasons of DeGrassi Junior High on DVD, to gain an appreciation for such iconic groups as Zit Remedy.
N, you should learn that the beer here in the States is like being in a canoe; it's near water. (note: the original joke is "how is American beer like having sex in a canoe? It's fucking near water!" but I figured that wouldn't fly with the grandparentals.)
R, you need to consider that if the speed limit is 100, it's 100 kilometers per hour, not 100 miles per hour.
N, you should be prepared for your town to shut down for any of the following reasons: a high school football game, a college football game, a strawberry festival, or a 4H club show.
N, you should learn that Smarties are not chocolate candies akin to M&Ms, but small round sugar candies given out on Halloween.
R, the capital is Ottawa, not Toronto.
N, remember that once you cross the Mason-Dixon line, all bets are off, because you're in the South (sorry, Suley!).
R, you should be prepared... when the US Economy sneezes, the Canadian economy catches ebola.
N, you might want to consider carrying a gun.
R, you should get used to your army consisting of two Tonka trucks and a BB gun.

The Rabbi warned us yesterday that on their wedding day, the bride and groom are royalty, and can do no wrong. Well, R, that's all fine and good, but for you, it expires at midnight. For N, it's good FOREVER.

All the best to you both.

I think it went pretty well.